Cognitive Dissonance: Life

Crap

Sat, 09 Aug 2008 03:55:12 GMT

I finally broke down and deleted Chuck's stuff from my address book today.

Crap.

Books and Movies Recently

Tue, 11 Mar 2008 04:39:35 GMT

So Yulia and I have been discussing the amazingly large number of spiritual book and movies that seem to be coming out recently. The Secret seems to be the big one along this line, but perhaps we didn't notice them before. In any case, we certainly notice them now. I rather liked the secret, not necessarily because I agree with 100% of everything said in the book, but because I really like the message of positive thinking.

But for every one of the pretty good books out there, we have found more than a few real stinkers. I am trying to real Edward Tolle's A New Earth, and it is really tough. This guy is apparently a real popular writer of self-help and spiritual books, but I can't imagine why. He just plain sucks. He starts off his book with these inane examples of the first flower to appear on Earth, using that as some symbolism for enlightened thought, but he does it in such a poorly thought out way that if you know anything about evolution and science, it is too grating to get his larger point. He keeps expressing how these flowers are springing whole from the ground as new flowers, until one is finally strong enough to survive, which of course makes no sense.

He then tries to tie all the world's religions together as really meaning the same thing, and again writes it in such a ham-handed way that it distracts from his actual point. I'm not ready to give up yet, but it's getting awfully tempting.

We did watch The Darjeeling Limited this evening, and that is a wonderful story along the same lines of enlightenment and discovery. It is another of a long lines of movies set in nndia that we have been renting recently. I am becoming addicted to Indian films and music, Mistress of Spices and Bride and Prejudice being two really good ones. But Darjeeling Limited is an American film set in India, but is great all the same.

It is pretty simple for a story, funny, and just plain good. Three brothers travel across India to find their mother and grow closer together. Funny things and sad things happen. Lots of symbolism. Neat music.

You don't always need complex images to make a simple point. Sometimes a couple of smiles will do. Some music from Joe Dassin doesn't hurt either.

MSNBC - Learning About Selective Mutism

Mon, 11 Feb 2008 16:52:43 GMT

I wrote about our daughter having Selective Mutism in this post, when we first moved into our house. It is amazing to see that now it is finally getting recognized and shown to other people. It's pretty scary for parents, and since so few people know about it as it's own disorder, it gets mis-diagnosed as Autism or simply ignored. Hopefully this show will help some folks out.

From MSNBC:

This morning, Amy Robach of Weekend TODAY brought us the story of Jacob Hanna, a 7-year-old who suffers from a disorder known as selective mutism.
Basically, Jacob is a regular, chatty kid at home, but in public settings, including at school, he is too anxious to speak. WATCH VIDEO
For example, his teachers have never heard him speak. Doctors say selective mutism is usually a social disorder that occurs in about one percent of children.

Learning About Selective Mutism - allDAY - msnbc.com

Welcome to Skate King - Population: My Youth

Fri, 25 Jan 2008 04:17:50 GMT

When I was Sasha's age, Skate King was the big deal over on the eastside. Bellevue was still the sleepy Seattle suburb, Redmond was a farming community, and Belleuve Square had two stores (F&N and Nordstrom's). If you wanted a big event back then, you went to Skate King. There really wasn't another place like it at the time. And it was a bit of a drive out, up near Crossroads. I also remember how nasty the place got as I entered high school, the part of town up near Crossroads got pretty bad, and it really went downhill.

So as you could imagine, when Sasha called me today and said the the school was having a Skate King night, I was less than thrilled. But I couldn't say no since all her friends were going. Once we got there, I was shocked. Not because the place had changed, because it hadn't. No really, the place was *exactly* the same as it wass 30 years ago, but it was clean. Worn down, but clean. They had inline skates now. They were sponsors of Rat City Rollergirls. They have lessons, I mean it was really nice.

It might not be the big stop on the eastside anymore, but it is worthy for the neighborhood. And I'm sure we will be going back.

Go Nuts This Christmas, Love Santa

Wed, 26 Dec 2007 00:14:27 GMT

Back when I went to College, Christmas time was a pretty quiet time around the Fraternity. Pretty much everyone was gone, but since my family lived close by I stayed at the house and made sure that a bunch of fucking felons didn't break in and steal everything in sight. Regularly joining me at the house over the break would typically be my good friend Chuck. (note to InDesign search folks, that's Charles Lasseter)

We would usually pull a couch over to the fireplace, find an old wooden chair from the basement, break it up for wood, and make a nice fire. Then we'd sit down with a leftover Costco meat tray from my parent's house, and drink whatever was on hand. One evening, after a particularly large bottle of Kahlua we liberated from some unsuspecting soul, we decided to play a few pranks with what we had on hand. We started by taking a bowl of pistachio shells that we had finished, and blowing them under one of our brother's door. We could hear the shells scatter all over the hardwood floor of the room, making a real pain in the butt of a mess. We also left a note:

Dear Ed, Go Nuts this Christmas, Love Santa.

We staggered down the hall, giddy with the hilarity of our prank, and went to another door. We took a box of particularly stale chocolates, and using my new electric screwdriver, screwed each individual chocolate to the door in a nice grid pattern. We also left a note:

Dear Dave, Have a Chocolate, Love Santa.

We found this so hilarious, we could barely control ourselves. We proceeded to grab every loose thing we had, and glue, nail or toss it into someone's door or room, each with a happy, merry note, personally written from Santa. We felt that this much holiday joy was not something that we could keep for ourselves, but we had to share it with everyone.

For years, every insane and stupid prank ended up getting signed, "Love Santa". Even after graduation, gifts would get signed "Love Santa", as would cards and letters. Especially if it contained something thoughtful and touching, like a rotting fish head.

In any case:

Dear Chuck, Thinking of you. Merry Christmas, Love Santa.

The Microsoft Archipelago

Sun, 16 Dec 2007 06:19:59 GMT

Working at Microsoft is one of those things that exposes you to opinions from everyone you meet. I can’t think of anyone that I have come across who is not opinionated about Microsoft, and usually strongly so. And I have to add that for being such an open company with its customers, few folks know much about the inside of the company. Actually, that holds true for a lot of the people working there as well. When you have a company growing quickly, a lot of the verbal traditions and culture that define how a place works gets diluted. In the case of Microsoft, this has become even more amplified, and you can see an almost Darwinian-Galapagos effect between teams and buildings, where so many new people do things differently across teams, but all thinking that this is the “Microsoft Way,” and that this is how it has always been. Of course, since no two teams at Microsoft do things the same way, who is right?

This points out another thing about Microsoft that too few people on the outside understand. As large and as monolithic and as omnipresent as Microsoft appears on the outside, things are much more random on a day to day basis. This is largely because teams are fairly isolated from each other, both in what their goals are, and in a true physical sense.

This is very apparent if you look at a map of the Microsoft campus from the air. It isn’t a big connected complex like you might see at Boeing in Everett, but a series of fairly small buildings, not connected, but proximate to each other. Some groups are closer, some further apart. A freeway runs down what is now the center of the groups, further isolating some teams. And in these isolated islands, different cultures and traditions grow. One only notices this when you move from team to team and island to island.

QOTD

Wed, 05 Dec 2007 06:02:25 GMT

Passion is not a benefit of success. It is a cause of it.

Feng Shui Weekend

Mon, 19 Nov 2007 17:50:26 GMT

So for quite some time now I have been interested in Feng Shui, and the art of arranging your home for positive energy. About a week ago Yulia came across a name of a local Feng Shui master, and since we had several areas in our home that were really difficult to get right, we figured that this would be at least an interesting way to spend a day, and hopefully helpful.

Gisela, the master, arrived at 11:00 and started with a quick tour of the home. We set up in the dining room, which we told her was a room that we felt was working very well for us. We sat down and after a brief talk over what the plan for the day was, she led us through a guided meditation on the house. This was meant to relax us and mentally connect us to the house, and I have to say, that not being a regular practitioner of meditation, I found it very calming.

After the meditation, Gisela walked through the house, and using a device similar to a water divining rod, checked the house for Chi energy, and cleared out any stale energy. I'm sure lots of folks would view this type of magic and find it silly, but I know of plenty of rational people who believe in ghosts, and many other not empirically rational things. And that's fine. For me, I can get this feeling of unease in certain spaces, whether that is psychosomatic, caused by stale air, bad light, or trapped Chi, it really doesn't matter, because if we can correct something, then I know that it will feel better. As Gisela cleared the areas, I felt better in the space, for whatever that is worth.

Then we went about the task of rearranging Furniture, Art, Plants, and whatever was in the room in order to make better use of the spaces that we have. We had been thinking of getting new furniture in some spaces of the house since things just weren't working for us, but Gisela made a good point that for most people, they already have everything they need at home, and just need to make better use of it.

We went room by room and made big changes in some, and smaller changes in others. We swapped many items between rooms and she had a very good eye for matching things up. By the end, the house felt noticeably better. She left us with a list of smaller items to do about the house later, and some good ideas for Artwork and items to get that would complete some of our spaces.

We finished with another meditation, which was also very relaxing.

So, big thanks to Gisela for a great afternoon full of ideas for our home, and also a big thanks to Yulia for finding her and setting this up. For anyone I would highly recommend it. For Yulia, Sasha and myself, I am really glad we did this.

http://www.cre8tivefengshui.com/home.php

OOOOOO! Dalai Lama Coming!

Thu, 15 Nov 2007 17:33:25 GMT

OK, maybe I am slightly odd, but I am totally stoked to hear that the Dalai Lama is coming in April. I seriously want to attend this event. The Dalai Lama ranks pretty high on my list of heroes, after all, he:

Advocates Non-violence
Is a walking FU to the Chinese Communists
Looks great in orange (hard to pull off!)

What more do you really need in life?

From the PI:

The Dalai Lama will be in Seattle in April to take part in four days of discussions on raising children to be happy, kind adults, event organizer Seeds of Compassion announced Wednesday.
According to the announcement, the Tibetan religious leader will join a panel of scientists, public-policy leaders and other dignitaries during free events at Seattle Center and Qwest Field. The largest event is scheduled to take place at Qwest Field on the first day of the event, Saturday, April 12.
This week the Dalai Lama said the goal of the conference is to help children understand the value of compassion.
"I believe that to achieve a happy life - on an individual, family, national or global level - we ultimately need to reach wholeheartedness of compassion," the Nobel laureate said.
"I really feel that this conference can plant positive seeds for a happy future, a happy world, particularly for children. They, the younger generation, are the real basis for our hope."

Dalai Lama plans Seattle visit in April

I'm getting my ass an Elephant.

Wed, 14 Nov 2007 17:01:12 GMT

Sometimes research is needed to tell us what we already know, but refuse to believe.

Quote:

Researchers have found that low self-esteem and materialism are not just a correlation, but also a causal relationship where low self esteem increases materialism, and materialism can also create low self-esteem. The also found that as self esteem increases, materialism decreases. The study primarily focused on how this relationship affects children and adolescents. Lan Nguyen Chaplin (University of Illinois Urbana-Champaign) and Deborah Roedder John (University of Minnesota) found that even a simple gesture to raise self-esteem dramatically decreased materialism, which provides a way to cope with insecurity.

My Favorite Quote:

Mad Magazine summed it up with the statement, “The only reason a great many American families don't own an elephant is that they have never been offered an elephant for a dollar down and easy weekly payments.”

UPDATE: I should note here, that sometimes I post things on my blog, because I am the one that needs to learn the lesson. :)

The Consumer Paradox: Scientists Find that Low Self-Esteem and Materialism Goes Hand in Hand | The Daily Galaxy: News from Planet Earth & Beyond

How Meta...

Mon, 12 Nov 2007 20:23:52 GMT

Has there ever been a toy more representative of it's company, topic, and impact on kids that this: the Disney Princess Cash Register. Now, you can not only fork over your money to Disney for Princess Merchandise, you can fork over money for a toy so you kids can pretend to do the same!

I want to buy one right now just for the warm consumer feelings it gives me.

get one now!

Try this with your coffee

Tue, 23 Oct 2007 15:32:32 GMT

One of the things that I like about my job is where we are. Most of the Microsoft buildings that I have had offices in are on the west side of the freeway, which is on a small rise, so out the windows on the upper floors, you get a really nice view outward. This morning a low fog rolled in, and from the kitchen on my side of the building, (I was just moved again, ) you can see the cascade mountains in silhouette, with a tequila-sunrise orange sky above them. The mountains float on the fog, and are framed below by the trees in shades of green rust and gold.

This is a much better start to the day than listening to the machine noise of some computer lab, or having to wrestle with a mess downtown, although those have their interesting points as well.

It's nice to have this in the morning, before the chaos.

What's in your wallet?

Thu, 11 Oct 2007 06:06:16 GMT

I had a discussion with Yulia this evening about several things, but what stood out in my mind is what are the things that make one person happy but not another. The core issue that I saw was that it mattered little what you have in your life, money, job, time, etc. we are conditioned to want whatever it is that we don't have. You look at the media that invades our lives, we are constantly exposed and told how important it is to have more, and how we have to have everything that everyone else has, whether we actually want or need it.

What a load of crap.

You can take two people, who have different things, and swap them, they will hate what they got and want what they had. Trade them again and they will switch back.

Look at the folks that have everything they want. Britney Spears, Paris Hilton, all those insane celebs. They can't handle their lives. So the mass accumulation of things doesn't solve it either.

It's those Tibetan Monks who have the system licked. What do they do? Chant and make those sand paintings. You don't hear about some monk popping a cap in another monk's ass because he had better sand, right? No, aside from wanting the Communist Chinese to stop shooting them so much, they really have everything they want. Food, shelter, a great view of the mountains, colored sand, the Tibetian shiznit.

Fuckers.

Weiner Dogs of the Kalahari

Thu, 20 Sep 2007 21:20:14 GMT

So Yulia calls me after lunch to let me know about Oscar's lunchtime activities. Apparently he had been running in the yard all morning and got real quiet all of a sudden. Now, this dog is loud, so when he gets quiet, it usually means he ate part of the fence and is making for the border.

As it turns out, he caught a rabbit.

And tore it in half.

And was eating it.

She was going to take it away, but this dog was in full on feral mode, and was not going to have its prey stolen away, since I'm sure that he thought she was going to eat it herself, and not share. So she left him alone and found that the cats had killed a bird in another corner of the yard, and a dead rat was over on the patio.

If we can just grow these animals a bit larger, we won't need a security alarm. And we will save on canned pet food too.

Damn Cat

Fri, 14 Sep 2007 16:23:47 GMT

The cat jumped on me while I was sleeping last night, changing what ever it was that I was dreaming into a dream of an intruder in our house. The intruder was downstairs stealing wood paneling (which we don't actually have any of, and if we did I'd give him a hand), and I turned on lights to startle him, while Yulia picked up Oscar, our Daschund, and used him as a Barking Gun(tm), pelting the intruder with sonic blasts to drive him out.

I so need therapy.

First Day of School

Wed, 05 Sep 2007 02:40:07 GMT

What a difference a year makes.

Last year at this time, it was pure panic and stress. Changing teachers was causing Sasha fits, she still wasn't talking in school, and she was terrified if we didn't walk her to the classroom door in the morning. When we left we saw her looking out the window at us, almost in tears.

This morning she was all excited, and took the bus. We drove and met her at the school, to meet the teacher. We saw the teacher early, before her bus got there, and dropped off her supplies and did that greeting thing. Once the bus got there, (in the pouring rain) we all walked over to the waiting area, as the classes hadn't opened for the kids yet. As soon as she saw her friends, she completely ignored us and started gossiping away with the kids she hadn't seen. The bell rang and they all marched inside.

She was having fun and waved "bye" and that was it. We were the parents, and not "cool" to talk with. She didn't look back.

What a difference a year makes.

Seafair Racing - Circa 1978

Sat, 04 Aug 2007 17:12:01 GMT

Seafair is here again. Folks who didn't grow up in Seattle probably don't understand the appeal of Hydroplane races, or the fact that this wasn't always so commercialized. I remember when the Log Boom around the course was first-come a and free, and there was a lot less monitoring, I also remember when the boats were "thunderboats" due to the noise of the engines, before they all went turbine-powered.

As a kid here the big event in the neighborhood would be when all the kids would gather, and show up with their bikes, each bike having a plywood hydroplane tied to the back of the banana seat. We would spend days before making and painting our boats. The secret was to drive a few big nails through so when you dragged it behind your bike, sparks would shoot out the back. Everyone would race around the block, elimination came when your string broke or got tangled. Taking a corner too fast would swing the boat too wide and flip, it was a tricky process that took much practice.

The real thunderboats were loud enough that we could hear the race from my house miles away from the course, and that formed the soundtrack for our own races.

I don't see kids doing this anymore. The appeal of the races may not be what it once was, or there may be so many new folks living here that those traditions never got passed along.

The Guest Nest

Wed, 01 Aug 2007 04:28:23 GMT

Inside the Wisteria that grows on the front of my house we have a bird's nest. it was there when we first saw the place in Winter, and we thought it cute at the time. A nest in a tree is always attractive, and having one on the front of your house is really attractive, and of course, Sasha wanted to know immediately if there were eggs inside.

Now, Six months later. I am sitting on the porch in the twilight when I see birds flying around the porch, and one zips up into the nest. I don't move around and just watch it. With the leaves blooming the nest is not visible from the front of the house, and is in a very defensive position. The little head of the bird is peeking out and looking at what is happening around. I can hear the sniffing of the cat at our door, and I am sure that the bird hears the same.

I brought Sasha down to see this and she just lights up at the thought of a bird living in our house. I hold her up to see into thee nest and she can see the same little head looking about. With some additional noise from the cat, the bird pips up and flies away.

After Sasha heads upstairs and I sit back down the bird returns and starts to chirp and sing a bit. The noise attracts the cat who looks around for something tasty, but finds nothing of interest.

Our street is quiet, I can just make out the rumble of traffic somewhere in the distance, and occasionally I hear a train pass, probably the diner train. It is so much quieter that our old house, no arterial street to combat, and it is truly relaxing.

This is really a good porch.

Sitting here I remember working on the porch of our rental house with Chuck, we were making Humidors for our cigar collections, and watching the traffic in the busy intersection of that house as we drank and worked. That was almost ten years ago. I still have his Humidor from that day. Mine was stolen.

I regret that Chuck never had a chance to see this porch, and this house. He would have enjoyed it.

Yulia returns from her walk with the dog, and I get a few minutes with her on the porch before we have to head in and get to sleep. I'm glad to have her to share this house and life with. With the birds we have two families living here. Hopefully the birds will bring us a bit of luck as our porch offers them a bit of protection.

It's a good place.

I Hate People; Asshole Edition

Tue, 31 Jul 2007 05:11:13 GMT

We went through a few years of hell from some folks who were willing to lie, cheat, and do anything to get back at us for perceived wrongs. When you hear someone lie about you, or about someone you love, it doesn't matter that you know that they are full of shit, it just really tears you apart.

In any case Yulia found a little article that really spoke to her about these types of folks and blogged it here: Someone Else's Words

All hail Flonaise!

Fri, 27 Jul 2007 04:57:45 GMT

Holy Crap!

I have not had many allergies growing up. I literally had none until my senior year of High School, where I developed a reaction to something in Sun Tan lotion. I still don't now what. But for years, lke 6 or so, I could use no sunscreen at all without a massive reaction that meant all-over body hives so intense the only thing I could do was drink a few bottles of Vodka until i passed out for a few days and it passed.

Nasty.

I finally found a Neutrogena brand that is Uber-hypoallergenic, and it works. and that's all I use.

In the past few years I started to get Hay fever. My first outbreak was on a trip to Wichita Kansas, where I was suddenly slammed with a reaction and had never been hit before. It was amazing. No warning, nothing, I was sneezing and just totally fucked up. Since then it has gotten worse each year, and now I have been just suffering for half the year, with my reactions to the regular medicines (like Claratin) almost worse than the symptoms.

So I finally visit the doctor, and he gets me on the Generic version of Flonaise. Wham! Clear as a bell.

Amazing. Apparently it's some kind of steroid. I expect to be totally ripped in a month.

Sun...

Thu, 26 Jul 2007 16:36:14 GMT

Holy crap it's good to see the sun again. We have had way too much rain for our own good, this year, and always when I have had time off. I took time to go to Disneyland in March, what did we get? Rain. It was raining before we left for France. In France? Rain. It was Sunny at home, and once we got back? Rain. And humidity because of the heat. That's pleasant.

I was beginning to think I ran over a gypsy or opened a tomb somewhere.

Whose Generation Will Be Lost?

Sat, 21 Jul 2007 01:34:49 GMT

After our return from our trip to Paris, I decided to pick up a few of Hemingway's books to read. We spent a lot of our time in the Latin Quarter, and I even got a picture of the plaque on Hemingway's old apartment, so I thought it would be of interest to read some of what he wrote there. I have started with A Moveable Feast, which are the Memoirs from his time staying in that section with all the other famous writers of that era. and the second chapter in that book is his conversation with Gertrude Stein where she coins that phrase:

"That's what you are. That's what you all are," Miss Stein said. "All of you young people who served in the war. You are a lost generation."

She was referring to not just Hemingway, but all the young of that time disillusioned by WWI, who drank and disappeared for years after the war, echoing the end of that war in their rebellion and fear. And a lot of drinking. With reading that passage, I wondered if it wasn't just appropriate for that time, but a phenomenon that we see over and over after wars and conflict impact our society. The beatniks of the early fifties echoing WWII? The drug and sex culture of the seventies echoing Vietnam? If this is a pattern that repeats, then who's generation will be the lost one this time?

Did we see a echo of this after the Cold War, and years of tension and fear of nuclear annihilation? Will the Iraq War and "War on Terror" need to end before we see the next group of disillusioned youth start on their counter-culture bend? Or have we entered a time of conflict without end, where we may see a constant backlash against the stress of these wars and conflicts.

Might that be what the naming of "Generation X" was about? Were we supposed to be it? Did we not rise to create a significant enough counterculture to prevent the conflicts that we are in now, or has the shrinking world simply compressed the time schedule. My daughter has never known a time that we have not been at war, what impact will that have?

I will keep reading for more clues. I would really love to know.

Lemonade

Thu, 21 Jun 2007 15:55:50 GMT

Yesterday was the daughter's first time working her lemonade stand. Being that we have a Russian and an American mixed marriage there was a discussion as to whether she should work with the neighborhood kids to have each one work at the stand, take turns squeezing lemons, and then divide profits equally, or if they should form an autonomous collective with lemonade delivered to each house whether it is wanted or not, get revenue directly from the housing authority, an divide it according to need.

Being a girl of the 21st century, she instead opted for getting a no-bid contract for lemonade, overcharged by several hundred percent, and filled the pitcher with raw sewage, maximizing profits.

That's my girl!

Walk to School Week

Mon, 07 May 2007 16:31:41 GMT

So in talking with our neighbors yesterday we found out that this week is "Walk to School Week" and fortunately for us, we are not only in walking distance, we have an actual walking trail that leads directly from our neighborhood to our daughter's school. It's the Bridal Trails Horse trail, and it connects Marymoor park to Bridal Trails.

This is pretty handy, and one of the things we liked about this neighborhood when we moved in was that it was right in the center of a lot of things, so you don't have top drive everywhere. I walked with the family to school, and then proceeded to walk to work, as it is just across the freeway from the school.

Most new development planning seems to me to be absent any ability to walk everywhere, either being located too remote from anything to be reasonable, or being too congested for anything other than a small sidewalk. I think that a tragic loss, as if you never get out of your car, you really never meet your neighbors.

We noticed that when we lived in Ballard, we walked more, and we knew all our neighbors, there was even a summer block party. But in Newcastle, we walked a lot less, and never connected with the neighbors. I think that here we are alos helped with a really good group of people on our street, which makes all the difference.

more...

Sat, 31 Mar 2007 05:04:31 GMT

This has been a busy week in politics. I have wanted to post and link to much. But I have not wanted to knock Chucks posting off the top for something so pedestrian.

Interestingly, in Russian, Pederast is the word for Homosexual, and when my wife first saw a sign in the US that said Yield to Pedestrians, it was quite a scene. Russian Traditions popped up again recently, for a different reason. When we buried Chuck (although no actual burying took place) Yulia was really surprised at the way things went forward. This was all done as a series of wakes, with everyone crying, yet comforting each other. All trying to remember the joy of living with someone. And this is not the was things were done in Russia. That involved a lot mor crying, public displays of the dead, and sorrow. Apparently, there is some structure of days that are to be followed relating to the body, the departure of the soul, and visitations to the family.

I mention all of this because I had a dream this week about Chuck. Specifically, we were back working together at Microsoft. Chuck was at his most healthy and powerful, with that presence of his that made him liked by everyone he came in contact with. This dream all started out with standard dream stuff. Walking through halls organizing things, Abe Lincoln and that badger playing cards, etc. But after a while I realized that I was dreaming, and I began discussing with Chuck how sad and angry I was at all the things that I was not able to do and say with him before he was gone. I felt that I had not done enough as a friend, and it was a really long discussion between us. Chuck was fine with everything, and understood, just the way he would in real life. And then I woke up, seriously freaked out.

When I relayed this to Yulia, she informed me that this exactly follows tradition, and that that wasn't a dream, it's what the departed do before they pass on. She told me that that was Chuck contacting me, and that I should be comforted in that. I can't say that I agree with her belief, but neither am I willing to disagree. I remain freaked out by the whole thing, but I would be very comforted to know that she was right. Seeing Chuck again as the strong, tough and thoughtful friend that I have known these last 20 years is how I would choose to remember him, and how I am sure that he would like to be remembered. And I would like to think that he knows how much he meant to me as a friend, and how much he still does, in my memories.

Of course I still don't know why Abe went all in against the badger with that pair of queens, I mean really, queens are evil and the badger just owned him.

Charles Anthony Lasseter 1969-2007

Fri, 16 Mar 2007 05:42:04 GMT

I have been delaying writing anything about Chuck so far. This is four days and counting. I am quite impressed with my ability to not face or address the situation. I am sure that there is some claptrap about facing your own mortality or something that the more psychoanalytical among us would state at this point, and they'd be smoking a pipe while they said it. But that's not the point.

I wrote once before, that before Chuck's death I was disturbed by the sheer volumes of memories the things around me carry of him, how I sat with my brother in this room and could not look about without seeing something that had a story with Chuck attached. And how I feared how that would feel once he was gone. Well now I a addressing that, and despite what I had thought originally, those memories and ghosts are more comforting than I could have imagined.

I cried at my desk at home two days ago, just briefly, and turned so my daughter couldn't see. Nothing triggered it, and nothing stopped it.

Last night, I assembled a few photographs of Chuck and placed those on the web. Today I sent them, one by one off to be placed on the memorial page while I was at work. Sitting at my desk at work, doing this, I began to cry again. I left a bit early in order to shop for some wine before picking up my daughter. This is not so much because I needed wine, but at that point I knew that doing that would help me to feel Chuck again. Chuck Was a great influence to me for food and wine. I remember a time that he came to one of our parties with one of the bottles that he had been saving for years, and shared it with the group. He referred to this as a "rent" wine, as the value of the bottle was greater than what he paid in a month for rent. I can't remember anything about the wine, but I clearly remember the pleasure of sharing it with Chuck. With food chuck was a pleasure to cook with and learn cooking from. Many times he would be at our house and literally create some phantom meal out of random leftovers and spices.

I can spin in my chair and see the copy of "What Every Young Man Should Know" 1962 edition that Chuck gave me for my birthday. I had a copy of this book from my uncle when Chuck and I roomed together, We read it together several times, ad it had valuable advice such ad double-clutching a sports car, and several fine drink recipes guaranteed to knock a ladies knickers off (in 1962). That copy vanished years ago, and Chuck found another on ebay somehow. It sits with my most cherished books, and always will.

I look now at the things in my house and the ghosts of Chuck that they contain, and I am glad. I need not fear losing the memory of someone who touched my life so deeply, as he is woven throughout the fabric of my life and my family.

Chuck was my friend, Chuck was my Brother, and Chuck was my family. He was my wife's friend, my mother's son, and my daughter's godfather. I miss him terribly and always will, but I don't have to miss him too much, because he hasn't gone that far.

A loss

Mon, 12 Mar 2007 15:19:50 GMT

My good friend Chuck died on Sunday. This was the end of a two+ year battle with Cancer.

I don't quite have a full post in me yet. But as this page is a large part of my personal sanity therapy, I will have something to say later.

A Change in Venue

Fri, 09 Mar 2007 05:42:05 GMT

Much has changed recently, with new house for the family, new school for the girl, and now I have a new job. I have moved over to the Live.com Search team, doing basically the same work I did before, but for another team. It really is a welcome change. I have been working basically at the same job, inside MSN for seven years now, and after that long, you just start second guessing everything that you do. New people come in, with grand plans, and you know exactly how and why they will fail. No one likes to hear that, and for that you suffer under ridicule and scorn. Of course these grand and bright folks never stay, and so the management changes almost constantly, a true example of the Seagull management style the we all love (swooping, shit all over everything, swoop back out).

I think for me what really killed the joy at MSN was that the technical work of creating any kind of innovative work was repolacesd with a common publishing system for web pages, and the org has been changing slowly into a publishing house. Some folks love that, it is their life's dream to do work on that line. I am not one of those people. I am a geek. I like nerdy, esoteric problems to solve. That was eliminated a while ago and most of my daily routine was babysitting paperwork,

We will see in the long run how much better Search is, but already I am back with a large number of the people that I have worked with in the past, and the problems are difficult and worth solving. Having real competition (Google) drives folks to work their hardest, and that should prove to be interesting.

I also like the fact that our new buildings are the latest floor design for Microsoft, and the are really geared towards collaboration. There are formal and informal meeting spaces everywhere. Half the walls are whiteboards, everyone is in individual offices, and the offices are smaller than before, so folks can't be doubled up. It is a great combination of collaboration and privacy that I like and find productive. It is also one of the reasons that I wanted to work at Microsoft in the first place.

I was working at an engineering firm when I got copy of the book Rapid Development, which is a great book on managing projects. It's pretty thick as well, and about halfway in, it talks about creating a productive workspace, and since it was written by a guy from Microsoft, it described the typical Microsoft work layout. No cubes, collaborate together, retreat alone to drive individual contributions, etc. I loved the idea, and shortly went after a temp position at MS to see if that was really the case, and for the most part is was, the company has been running out of space in the older buildings (they are building like mad) and the new buildings are laid out much more efficiently.

It's not for everyone, but I find it pretty slick.

oh my aching back

Thu, 22 Feb 2007 03:38:15 GMT

you know, you throw out your back and you just can't function. at all. I did something, and I am just screwed. I have some cramp under my shoulder blade and it is totally killing me. If it hurt worse, I would probably rest and take care of it, but it is just weak enough so I can keep functioning and hurt it some more. Yes, I am that stupid.

From Chaos, order pizza

Mon, 22 Jan 2007 06:05:23 GMT

I can really start to understand why Hunter took so many drugs, writing anything of value is a real bitch. I almost have to get smashed anytime I want to loosen up to write more than a few sentences. Of course that goes against the folks that really new him who say he was a health nut to make up for the hard partying when he wasn't writing about himself, but hey, who you gonna trust?

As for me, I'm wound up so tight that even my cats look at me any say, "wow dude, you're pretty neurotic".

On the upside, I had a very long talk with the wife this evening on the topic of religion vs. philosophy, and why we are both in the Orthodox church. As rained I was not baptized, at least as far as I can remember, and I certainly did not attend church with any more frequency more than once. but after wife and I moved to the US, she wanted a Russian church wedding, and to do that, I had to be baptized. I agreed, but not just because the wife said so.

I know a fair number of guys who married outside their culture who did (and would) not take that kind of step, but I felt good about it.

For why you would have to look at the difference with the Orthodox Christian church, and the catholic church. ( please note, that from the Orthodox perspective, everyone else (protestants, Mormon, etc) are Catholics. What happened after the 1300's are their own problem.

When you go to a service at a non-orthodox church, or even examine the architecture, it is designed to be imposing and diminishing to you, as the general person, the size, pews, altar, etc are significantly larger than the space you occupy, and as such, you are meant to feel small in the presence of God. But in an Orthodox church, the building is small, everyone stands. During services people are moving about, burning candles and praying and talking to each other. It is humanizing.

My first experience with an Orthodox church was going into a church that is just off of Red Square in Moscow, with my wife-to-be. When I first came to Moscow, this church did not exist. it was an empty lot flattened by Lenin, but rebuilt by Yeltsin. I watched it get rebuilt. So when I went it, it simply felt different. It felt like I had some ownership of this building. Now, you have to realize that this place was really small, and built to the exact size and plan of the original church from the 1800's.

It simply felt good.

We had a long conversation about this, probably the first really long conversation we have had in some time, I really appreciated it. We also went into Karma, Buddhism, and the relationship between money and being a good person. but that's another long entry.

I really enjoyed this evening. and would be quite happy for a repeat.

Winding down

Wed, 17 Jan 2007 05:51:23 GMT

We have now closed on the sale of our old house. I had serious reservations that this was going to go through, but everythihg was fine. No problems at all. After the stress of all the crap like this you start to get punch drunk, and can't rationally act on anything anymore.

We are fully moved into our new house. It is such an improvement. I'll post pictures at asome point, but things aren't that calm yet. Currently I have all this fucking snow.

May you live in interesting times

Sat, 06 Jan 2007 06:36:02 GMT

Sometimes you just get way too much happening at once to fully comprehend or handle. We are finally moved into our new house at this point, but not fully moved out of the old one, and we have 2 days left to get out of the old one before closing. That's normally a pretty stressful event, and we did it over the holidays. Oh does that suck.

Add to that the cancer thing. It has taken the last week for me to come to grips with the "terminal" aspect of late stage cancer. It is really so much easier to simply remain in denial, as I have done with my uncle. I'm not actually sure that he is terminal at this point, since it has been kept pretty quiet, but ignorance is bliss and I haven't really wanted to know. My buddy has been thrown right in my face, and I couldn't handle it for a while. It totally ran me over, and I'm still not sure that I can handle it, but at least I am aware of the fact of how deeply it is affecting me. Now I find out that another close buddy was told that his father has terminal stage 4 cancer as well. I guess that December wasn't really a good month for stable cellular growth.

At least I have lost some weight recently so I have a few pounds that I can pack on with all the booze I am drinking.

My wife has been trying to point out to me that another freind of ours who was diagnosed with terminal brain cancer, with 6 months to live, has been stable for a year and a half now. When you get really down and depressed, you start ignoring those folks who want to help and bring you out of your depression, like, for example, your wife. I am really sorry for that.

It's a lot easier to simply wallow in your own filth that take the effort to actually have hope.

I remember some NPR story about a Jewish holiday where you are supposed to be happy, no matter how things actually are. This may be a manufactured memory of mine, since I can find no information about this on the internet, but you should never let the facts get in the way of a good story.

The point being that if you acted happy, or forced yourself to be happy, it became contagious. Much the same way that being sad and depressed brings everyone else down. Funny how easy it is to forget these things when you don't want to remember.

Along with our move, my daughter started at a new school. We have been pretty nervous about this, as she has Selective Mutism. The short form of that is that it is an anxiety disorder that means that she cannot speak in some situations. Specifically, she is in second grade, but has not spoken a single word at school since preschool. Not. One. Word.

She talks fine everywhere else, but it is a situational disorder.

So when we filled out the paperwork for the new school, we added all the information about this and explained to the teacher what to expect. On her first day, we walked her in and introduced her to her teacher. Her teacher looked at her, smiled, and asked her her name.

She replied, "Sasha"

That was the first word she had ever spoken at school. I almost cried. She kept answering the teacher's questions while we were there. After we left, she was talking to the kids in class, and after class.

We had visited psychologists for months to help her with coping skills, and t see what to do, but changing the environment was the breakthrough. You begin to think a situation is hopless, until something gives you hope. In this case, it came to us because of other actions.

Maybe we need to manufacture a bit for the other problems.

Not actually a new year's resolution...

Tue, 02 Jan 2007 20:38:02 GMT

But I have noticed that over the last few months I have been letting events catch up with me and impact my mood far more than I normally would. I can feel myself being pulled into the Gloom, and that only eats away at my ability to be a good friendhusbandbrothersonfathercoworker or whatever.

That stops. I need to shake off a lot of this stress and crap and move forward. We have almost moved into our new house, that will take a lot of stress off. I am about ready to call off my job interviewing with other teams and hunker down for mid-year reviews. that will help to. Hopefully then I should have anought reserve engery to start taking on the shit I can't directly impact.

If a tree falls in your backyard, does it make a sound?

Sat, 16 Dec 2006 16:53:55 GMT

Yes, and the sound is me saying, "Holy Crap!"

So we got hit by the same storm as everyone else out in seattle. and as with everyone, we lost our power (came back on last night, we got lucky). so when I wake up the next morning i see this GIANT FUCKING TREE in my back yard. Now, this would suck in any normal circumstance, but we are trying to sell our house, and we have an open house scheduled for 10:00 in the morning. And, somehow, I think a huge tree in the yard is not a positive selling attribute.

At the time, I had no idea how widespread the damage to the area was, so no one was actually coming. But I didn't know this, so I was in a panic. First thing that I noticed was that it completely missed *everything* in the yard. By like inches. We really got lucky there. second thing was, I couldn't figure out where it came from. all my trees were still there. It took some hunting, but we finally figured out that it was a tree top from one of ours, and the break was pretty well hidden.

So fine. I have no major damage, and no missing trees. But I have people coming in two hours, and no power tools. Fortunately, I had a splitting maul, which works great at knocking the branches off, and I had a small handsaw, so I could carve a notch in the trunk and then try to break it up. I finally settled on getting a big rock under the trunk, sawing a notch, then jumping on the trunk to crack it in half, I managed to make four big chunks, which I was just able to drag away, and make the yard presentable.

Then I found out that the whole neighborhood was a war zone. no power anywhere, power lines down all over, several roads blocked, so I had to circle about to figure out how to get out of here, then I finally got to an area with power and my cell phone found a tower. My agent canceled the open house, since no one could get anywhere (all the roads were clogged with people going to the malls to find heat and lights), 1 million people were without power in the area.

Holy Crap!

Quote of the day

Wed, 13 Dec 2006 23:25:17 GMT

"If you cannot change the situation, change your attitude"